First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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