The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
