Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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