When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
