So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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