He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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