At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
