I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
