my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
