now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
