I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
