he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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