I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
