If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
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