Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
