this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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