I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
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I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
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I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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