so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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