Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
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He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
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And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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