Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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