foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
