is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
