Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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