I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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