I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
