is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
