dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
sex in a hospital.. check
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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