Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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