Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
