I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
