his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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