I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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