Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Im part way to drunk.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
