but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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