____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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