I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
