I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
