I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
