he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
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