I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
