I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
