So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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