Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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