Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
