Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
