Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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