I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
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