Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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