I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
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I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
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She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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