If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
