I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
