So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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