Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
