my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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