You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
