the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
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