threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
