I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
